Where I came from and how to start on my self-love journey.
I suppose it’s best to start at the beginning. I started dieting at the age of 12 after being told by a friend’s boyfriend that I looked like a “Krispy Kreme mascot.” I was bullied and excluded due to my weight before that incident, but that was when I started to consciously try to lose weight. Looking at my nieces now, I cannot imagine them being on a diet or worrying about something like their weight. It hurts to know that for over half of my life, I hated my body.
When I turned 15, I started working in a gym. I would buy diet pills, work out every day, only eat dinner, and still, I never felt beautiful compared to my naturally thin friends. I would see them eat Mac and Cheese and pizza and felt so envious that they were blessed with a body that remained beautiful no matter what they ate.
Once I started to lose weight due to my ED, I started getting complimented. Boys started noticing me, people were nicer to me, all of the things I wanted to happen, were happening! But now I was just tired, hungry, and still hated my body. I counted calories on apps, measured how many calories I burned, and the weight kept coming off…but the joy never came. I found myself in relationships with people who didn’t value me and I felt alone.
After my second year of college, I met my now-husband while studying in the UK and even his reassurances and actions of love didn’t convince me that I was beautiful or worthy of love. How could he love ME? How could he be attracted to THIS body? Then, as often happens when you’re madly in love, I gained weight. I was convinced he would leave me. I never wanted to leave my house or wear the clothes that reminded me of my body’s betrayal. Still, he reassured me, and still, I didn’t believe him. After I went back to America and we started dating long-distance, the anxiety and self-doubt escalated. Now that I couldn’t be with him, he MUST be cheating on me with someone thinner. He didn’t. I took the time away from him to lose the weight again so when he saw me again, he would be reminded of how beautiful I was in the beginning. Again, I punished my body. And he didn’t care. All he wanted was for me to love myself the way he loved me, and it took 9 years of us being together for me to get there. 9 years of yo-yo dieting, breakdowns when trying to find something to wear, and constant insecurity.
Then, COVID hit. London went into lockdown, and I had no one to spend time with, but myself (My husband was a key worker, so worked the same 60+ hours). I started to take time to think about my relationship with my body, where the negativity came from, and how I was letting it affect me. I started following people like BodyPosiPanda and ScarredNotScared and started unfollowing all the people who made me feel like shit and started surrounding myself with women who empowered me.
I started writing about this journey on IG and found that it resonated with SO MANY WOMEN! I no longer felt alone. I found women who pushed me to think about things outside of societal standards and started creating content that made ME feel good and expressed my battles with body image. I finally felt like I had a purpose and at the same time, I started to appreciate my body more. I called myself out when I started thinking mean things about myself, I forced myself to compliment the reflection in the mirror, I bought clothes I liked and not just hid my body, and slowly but surely, I started to be happy with my body. Even though I am at the highest weight I’ve ever been, I no longer hate myself.
Not all days are good days, but there are far more good days than before. My goal now is to help other women find the same love, appreciation, and empowerment with their bodies. Whether it’s through fashion, goofy videos, or sit-down chats, I always want to leave you feeling better about yourself.